Discovering My Growing Edge!
What’s on my mind? Discovering my growing edge! This language of a “growing edge” comes with a noticeable oxymoron which actually plays out as we begin to notice, name, and nurture it.
We find ourselves attracted by the promise that comes with growth, and then there is the resistance to the edge - this unknown, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable territory.
Sure “growing edge” is typically used to acknowledge that space in our lives where we experience the shadow side of ourselves - the “lack” in some area that is holding us back or creating a dissonance or resistance in our Self, relationships, or work.
But, I’d like to expand this language to what it feels like to move toward growth, period. Not all growth is easy. We see the front side of growth in others which looks so good, but rarely do we see the back side. The side where failure and over-estimating ones ability can make growth seem like a distant mirage.
On Monday morning, I returned back to the gym after 3 years of being away from this great community. I was so excited, I woke up around 2:00 a.m. for a 6:15 class. When I arrived, I was so jacked up that I put everything into it. I jumped right into the deep end - picked up weights that were close to what I’d used when I stopped, did all the reps, and pushed myself hard. I did it! I made it back!
By noon, I was already feeling the misery of my “deep end of the pool” effort! The next morning I could not bring my tea cup to my mouth without a tremendous amount of pain - about a 15!! It continued on and slowed me down and distracted me from other things. I was so discouraged because I knew I needed to skip the Wednesday class to let my muscles heal. They weren’t very happy with me. It was too much - too soon!
So, I honored what my body needed, rested a few more days, and went back today, choosing a lower weight and fewer reps to ease my way back in. Lesson learned.
It’s like this whether we’re talking about working out, expanding our circle of friends, trying something new or stopping some activity that isn’t helpful or healthy. Sometimes our enthusiasm can blow out our spark before it becomes a flame. It happens. We notice it, reverence it; and then adjust (learn what we need) and try again.
Oftentimes we want to be “there” already and miss the learning and discovery along the way. The pace of change makes a difference and we’re all different when it comes to the pace we can absorb.
What I’m learning about change is that I have to show up for it! I can fantasize, plan, and learn about myriad things, but all that creativity and education won’t change a thing until I act upon it. You may have heard me say it before but “God can’t steer a ship in port.” And so it is with me.
One of my heart’s desires right now is expanding my circle of friends. For most of my adult life, I had a pretty high wall up around my heart - it was a big protector part of me that didn’t want me to get hurt. Of course, the result of the protector part’s hard work in holding me back was the very thing it was trying to avoid - I was lonely and hurting because of it. A growing edge for sure.
What also held me back was fear. Fear that I would be rejected. Fear that I wouldn’t really know how this all works. Fear that I couldn’t give as much as others do in their relationships. So, I began slowly and intentionally.
Our fear part can be so conditioned to respond like a rumble strip on the highway, that we can simply begin considering some change and that rumble strip will go off in our heads - nope, can’t do that! Which takes us right back to getting to know our fear. It’s not really helpful to push it down, ignore it, or criticize it. That only makes it feel more urgent about keeping us in place.
The past few years, but especially this year, I’ve decided to follow the fear part. I’ve learned that the fear part has information and that if I lean in and listen, I’ll learn more about why it’s afraid. In doing this, I’ve learned about an underlying story that I hadn’t realized was there. In knowing this, I feel the freedom to step through the fear into a clearing where I can explore relationships with more Self energy, knowing that I’m ok, even in this unfamiliar space.
I’m not immediately different in the clearing, I’m just actually there rather than imagining what it might be like to be there. Reality is much better than imagination. The change, for me, will come from having walked myself through the fear to the clearing. What’s on the other side of that will unfold more of me than I could possibly have imagined, but the only way to get there is to move forward. Whew - hard work! But so worth it!
I wonder what it is you’re struggling with or wanting to change in your life right now. Let me offer you some hope. Within you is a unique, spark of the Divine - a True Self, that has curiosity, courage, confidence, clarity, connectedness, calmness, compassion, and creativity.
As you discover your own growing edge, begin to walk through it, and learn more about yourself along the way, may you find yourSelf expanding in greater capacity to follow your heart’s desires and be more of who you were created to be.