The Lonely People

What’s on my mind today? The lonely people. Anytime there is a holiday, it heightens my awareness of the lonely people. We love to celebrate and on days like yesterday, family and friends gather together to celebrate. It’s a blessing! 

Well, it certainly looks like a blessing. Social media is filled with pictures - evidence of a great time had by all. We are all about family and community. So, perhaps it would surprise you to consider that there were people who actually spent yesterday alone. These are the people who aren’t in the pictures. The ones who don’t have family nearby. The ones who are single or recently divorced or widowed. The ones who are new to the area. The ones who have to work - or chose to work to avoid feeling alone. The ones who don’t seem to fit in. The ones who haven’t found their tribe. The ones who are scared of closeness and community even though they are starving for it.

Another surprise is that sometimes it’s the least likely people who are also, the lonely people. The strong, outgoing personalities who no one would suspect. The leaders who are workaholics and haven’t created space for close relationships. The friendly, approachable people who are afraid to risk asking you if there’s one more place at your table for fear of rejection. Keep in mind, people don’t always ‘look’ like their pain feels.

Many of these people don’t really know how to say they’d like to join your celebration. Maybe they’ve been hurt and need an invitation to help them ease into new relationships and spaces unfamiliar or forgotten. 

You’ll have to go searching for many of these people, but I assure you the trip won’t be far, as they are at arms length within your own circles of influence. They won’t tell you. Hell no, it’s too shameful to admit you’re lonely in today’s culture and, even worse, that you don’t know how to change it. 

The skills required to become part of a family, tribe, community take practice and for those who’ve been hurt, haven't had much practice or have turned inward because of their own story, it’s a Catch 22 situation - “Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t.” And before you mention the simple solution you might be thinking they should try, I’m pretty sure many lonely people do reach out and ask others what they’re doing, but after a few responses about plans that will not result in a shared gathering, they quit. It’s too painful. It stirs thoughts of being unwanted or unworthy. Better steer clear of that…

For the ones who are lonely, it’s a pain that cuts deep. The phone is silent. The day is filled with numbing habits/distractions - eating, drinking, binge watching Netflix, anything to pass the time. The next day, they’re hoping no one asks them what they did for the holiday because their true answer seems pitiful, so they make something up that sounds good, while the sting of the question lingers.

All the lonely people - who are they? They are the people sitting next to you in your small group; the single person sitting next to you in church on Easter (you know, that family holiday thing) hoping you’ll ask what they’re doing for lunch; the person at the gym who is always ‘bringing it’; the co-worker who just moved into town; the friend who is recently divorced and struggles with all ‘family’ events now and wondering where they fit in; your boss who is at work when you arrive and is still there when you go home; the empty-nesters who look up from years of nurturing their children to see that their friendships have faded. And while I might be inclined to believe the older person is the more likely to be or become lonely (due to the death of spouses and friends), I have discovered that loneliness is not age-related.

All the lonely people - where do they belong? They belong in community with you, and with me. I’m thinking most of us would welcome another person at our table, but the problem is we aren’t looking for them. We talk about how important community is, but true community takes vision and action. The vision to look beyond ourselves to find those within arms length who just might be the least, the lost, the lonely. Somehow we’ve got to get past the “How are you doing? I’m fine” exchange to something more caring, more life-giving. We all have more to offer each other - you to the lonely and them back to you.

A place to start would be to look at your circles of influence for people you’re already connected to, and then reach out and invite them to your table. Don’t do it to fix them, or because you feel sorry for them, or worse - pity them. Do it because you actually value what they bring to the table and you’d like to deepen your connection with them.

My heart is telling me if we committed to adding a place at our table (not just on holidays, because truth be known, these people aren’t just lonely on holidays); and then began looking for the lonely people to invite to the table, we could build community in a powerful way, while offering and receiving something life-giving. I believe this could be a slice of what the kingdom on earth is all about! That's a slice of pie I’m totally interested in!!